The Turnip Chronicles I: Epic Fail

Screenplay by Stephanie Burt

[fade in]

A woman in black stilettoes and pencil skirt comes out of a local business with a resuable grocery bag as the sun is setting behind the building. She opens the back car door, sitting the bag on the back seat, and excitedly rifles through the contents. Her face falls when she spies something in the bag, and she abruptly sits it in the floorboard, shuts the door, climbs back in the driver's seat and drives off.

[cut to the interior of a house, a kitchen, very small but filled with modern appliances]

Scene 1

Woman in knee-length boots and dress opens the fridge and pulls out a bunch of turnips, green tops still intact, and places them on the cutting board. She then turns, hits the preheat button on the stove, then exits the scene.

Scene 2

Woman in toile-patterned pajama pants and tank top walks into the frame and makes a beeline for the Charles Shaw merlot on the edge of the counter. She takes off the wine saver top, opens cabinet, pulls down a glass and pours wine as she looks at the turnips on the cutting board. She takes a big swig. That's right, swig. Not sip. Then she pulls out a half sheet pan from the bottom of the oven.

Woman #1: I hate this drawer [struggling]

She sits cookie sheet on top of stove. She then turns to turnips, washing carefully, trimming greens and discarding, then takes out her off-brand chef's knife and slices turnips ultra thin, taking slices and putting them in a bowl. Tosses slices with olive oil and garlic salt and garam masala, then arranges turnip slices on cookie sheet. Opens oven door, slides cookie sheet in oven, then closes door. Walks out of frame.

Scene #3

[oven timer beeping]

Woman #1: Ok, let's check this out. The smell is what I remember, but I'm hoping for the best.

Woman opens door. Steam and smoke billow out. Woman feebly waves pot holder in defense.

[smoke detector starts screeching]

Woman #1: Alright! alright! [waving pot holder wildly above her head in direction of smoke detector].

She returns her attention to the oven, using the same potholder to quickly remove the sheet pan, sit it on top of the oven, and then push some buttons that turn the oven off.

Woman #1: [large sigh] These turnips were picked in vain! [camera zooms in toward pan]

Woman tilts pan over the trash can. A few chips fall into the can, but most  of the turnip chips stick and she is forced to set pan back down on top of the stove.

Fade to black [literally]

The Turnip Chronicles II -- Coming Soon.